Pie News: An Astro’s Guilty, Lots of People Don’t Have Jobs, Astronomers Had a Big Find in the Desert, & Shackling & Biting is No Way to Solve an Argument.

Javier Lopez’s former teammate, Miguel Tejada, was sentenced to probation and community service for lying to Congress about performance-enhancing drugs. As he prepares to return to spring training and ultimately talk to young people about his inspirational life story, I’d suggest — don’t hate me — Apple-Pear White Wine Pie. There’s a lot of juice (get it?), but he can also pair it with the Chardonnay, Chenin Blanc or other fruity white wine that he uses *in* the pie. Not only do I love pie/booze pairings, but it might take the edge off if he’s nervous about speaking in front of crowds. A nice (and legal!) bonus.

In other not-so-happy news, the total number of people claiming unemployment benefits is now 5.56 million — the highest ever (or at least in records dating back to 1967). Ken Haedrich calls the Coconut Cream Pie in his book “uncomplicated, delicious and simple” and that seems to me to be appropriate.

And…astronomers say they that for the first time they have matched a meteor (full of tiny diamonds!) in the remote Sudan desert with a specific asteroid — in other words, they caught the first shooting star ever. (Making Simply Red incredibly jealous?) That would make this the perfect time to indulge in some 5-Star Chocolate Delights, no? This Candy Bar Pie sounds a lot like Take 5, which was once my favorite candy bar of ALL TIME.

And in odder news, a Connecticut woman was arrested and charged with assault after handcuffing herself to her sleeping husband to resolve an argument and then biting him. Such a crazy, desperate act deserves a dramatic pie like a meringue. But since she’s out on $400 bond, I’m going to assume she has a lot on her mind, so I’d recommend Haedrich’s 10-Minute Lemon Meringue Icebox Pie. He says it’s a “embarrassingly good facsimile” and requires very little work. (The secret? Store-bought curd and graham cracker crust.) It might also do her image some good to “waltz in, the very picture of composure, carrying a fresh-from-the-oven lemon meringue pie.” Although I imagine her husband maybe won’t be one of the people at that dinner party.

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