Valentine’s Day: A New Spin

Don’t worry — I’m not going to do what you think I’m going to do and explode in bitterness and collapse in on myself like a black star. (I’m hoping my physics friend does not read this and point out any cosmic implausibility.)

I’m actually trying to be very positive about Valentine’s Day this year…(although, truth be told, I’ve tried to do so in years past — remember my Victorian valentine phase? — with only varying degrees of success…). Besides, you can get anti-Valentine’s Day cards in so many places now that it seems overly common to hate the stupid holiday…in which case I feel compelled to play devil’s advocate (despite my reservations about this stupid, stinking holiday).

So…here goes: if you think about it, the whole point of Valentine’s Day is a nice thing — you’re supposed to acknowledge your loved ones. It’s the people who are too literal — the couples that have wrested this holiday for themselves! — that have ruined everything.

You can’t leave people out. Remember in elementary school when you had to bring cards for your entire class? And do you remember *why* you had to do that? Hurt feelings! (I can actually remember feverishly tearing through my box of valentines every year to find the most platonic ones to give the boys so they wouldn’t get the wrong idea and freak out and think that I actually liked them. And…somewhat ironically, I suppose, I sent out cards again this year…and am still scared that the boys are going to read too much into them and get the wrong idea and freak out.)

But there’s so many good aspects to this holiday! (Well…baked goods and reminding people that you like them.) So…I propose that we reclaim Valentine’s Day in the elementary school spirit so that no one has to watch a gaggle of women in their apartment or office building sign for enormous bouquets…and/or order take-out and watch chick flicks and drown in self-hatred…and/or watch as a boyfriend tries to make sense of a homemade card and finally ask, “You think I’m good at baseball?”

Everyone should be reminded that they are loved in some capacity! (Hence…all of my cards. I am not a hypocrite!)

P.S.: Be mine, JS.

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