Everyone knows I love FreshDirect. Moving to the “other” side of the BQE had two advantages: not having to worry about getting chased by toothless crackheads and being able to order FreshDirect. This became an even bigger advantage when they closed the Key Food in my neighborhood (even though the employees at that particular location could be a little…err, um, hostile).

I occasionally get e-mails from FreshDirect with offers for free food or delivery or the like. Today they are pushing Valentine’s Day meal packages with filet mignon, Maine lobster tails and classic Gruyere fondue. But – and I don’t mean to sound like a bitter single girl fated to die alone…I really don’t – I’m not sure how I feel about the meals labeled “Lonerpalooza” and “Brokenhearted.” I guess it’s nice they’re including everyone.

“Better to savor your ‘me’ time with the meals, snacks and desserts you want, conveniently packaged in single servings. They taste even better when consumed on the couch in front of the boob tube, four days after you last shaved. Mmm, freedom,” it says.


“Is Valentine’s Day simply a stinging reminder of singlehood, like a coarse-grained sea salt rubbed into your painful, wounded heart? We’ve got a few ideas on how to ease the suffering,” it adds.



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